By Dr. Deborah C. Moore, LMFT
A
nger is just one of many emotions that
individuals experience. Anger is also an emotion that many try
to deny. “I am not mad at him,” This type of thing happens all
the time.” “It’s really not her fault.” “It’s not that big of a
problem.” These statements are just some of soothing phases that
we say when we do not want to deal directly with our emotional
anger. Denial is a powerful defense that we use to try to hide
anger. At a very young age, we are taught that anger is a
negative emotion and should not be expressed.
W
hen we acknowledge that we are angry with
someone it brings out other feelings such as pain, hurt,
mistrust, hopelessness, and sometimes guilt. In our society, we
are told that it is unacceptable to be anger, or to even display
anger. Hearing this message, we refocus our anger to other
unacceptable ways. Road rage, arguing with your significant
other or subordinate, being rebellious at school or work,
yelling at the cashier for ringing up our merchandise too
slowly, are ways in which our inner anger is displaced at
vulnerable, less threatening targets. Learning how to
appropriately release and control anger is crucial. If
unreleased anger continues to fester, there can be myriad of
deleterious physical effects, which can lead to high blood
pressure, migraine headaches, gastrointestinal problems, back
ailments, ulcers, strokes, and other, more serious health
problems.
THE EGO AT WORK
A
n individual’s
ego is fragile. If an individual’s ego is merely touched, it can
become damaged, thus causing the individual considerable
discomfort. This is why many individuals prefer to demonstrate
displaced emotional anger because any attempt at dealing
directly with the source of anger will undoubtedly cause
discomfort. Dealing appropriately with anger will result in the
individual feeling more in control of the situation. Let us look
at how this works.
EXERCISE IN INNER HEALING
Things you will need:
1. Quiet space (no TV, radio,
phone, or unnecessary noise)
2. Minimum 30 minutes of
uninterrupted time
3. Dimly lit room
4. Candle (optional)
Before you begin this exercise
I would like to first ask that you make sure the phone, radio,
TV are off. Secondly, Make sure the room is dimly lit. I suggest
a candle because of the incandescent light that the candle
produces. Put your “do not disturb” sign on the doorknob and
let’s begin.
Think of a situation that
caused you to become extremely angry. For instance, let’s say
that your best friend of several years has betrayed you. Put
yourself back in that situation and feel what you felt then. To
help you concentrate more deeply, you may want to close your
eyes, and visualize your friend betraying you, or whatever
situation you use. Make that situation come alive. Allow
yourself to feel, hear, smell, touch, and see that event
unfolding.
When you are able to vividly
re-experience this situation as if it was occurring this moment,
say to yourself, “My ego has been damaged, and I can understand
why. She was my best friend.” Allow your ego to get as worked up
or emotional as it wants to. Contemplate revenge, self-pity, or
whatever your ego feels is appropriate. Imagine that you are
overflowing with your feeling. Think of your feelings as a large
pot of water this is about to boil over. The pot boils over and
spills all over the counter and then on the floor.
Follow the boiling water as it
flows all over the floor, observing it flowing farther and
farther becoming less hot. Envision the water spreading as far
as you want it to go. As the water spreads across the floor to
an endless point, you feel the water becoming cooler and cooler
to the point where the water is no longer boiling. Do not rush
your feeling. The feeling may be so intense that it may take a
while to reach this level of awareness.
As you see the water disappear
and feel the water temperature starting to cool, examine
yourself and see if any of the following feelings are present:
1. You feel like laughing
2. You feel indifferent
3. You feel a sense of
calmness or peace
4. You feel
exhausted/fatigued
5. You feel lifted
6. You feel a sudden release
of energy
7 .You feel a sense of
forgiveness
T
hese are some the signs that the feeling of
anger is being processed and released. This exercise will not
magically dispel every angry feeling. The intention of this
exercise is to help you become more in touch with your feeling.
You can apply this exercise to any intense feeling that you may
hold. You will be surprised how easy it will become for you to
deal with your feelings in a healthy manner, once you learn to
escape the intense control that most emotions can have on us.
“The greatest form of control
is knowing when to let go…”
~Evelyn Moore~
Dr. Deborah C. Moore, LMFT is a Licensed
Marriage and Family Therapist and owner of Personal
Enrichment Counseling, Inc. She has over 15 years of
experience in dealing with stress management and relationship
difficulties. Deborah has devoted a considerable amount of time
in researching the areas of stress management, occupational
stress, and relationship management.
If you have a specific question concerning
stress management or relationship difficulties, Deborah will
provide you with advice. Feel free to “click” on the “
Ask Dr. Debi” icon.
If you would like to purchase the audio of
the Dealing with Inner Anger Exercise, please contact Dr.
Moore at
drdebi@counseling4wellness.com. This
audio provides a systematic guide to becoming relaxed and
dealing directly with your anger.
Below are two of our CDs for you to purchase.
These are tools we created to better help you.